Archive for the ‘Movie’ Category

Why MetalHeads Hate Twilight

Posted: November 24, 2010 in Metal, Movie, Music
Tags: , , ,

The entire series is just Meyer (no – wait, my mistake – Bella) swooning over how lucky she is to have such a great he man (aka strong faggot), Edward. Edward is from a clan of pussy vampires who never drink human blood. They also have no other vampiristic qualities, so they might as well be Chupacabras. THEN there’s the Blacks, an Indian Tribe (so Meyer’s got her mix of negro-allusions and redskins) which prominently features Jacob, a boy who, aside from loving Bella for no good reason, is…um… a vampire/shapeshifter?

So Edward is (aside from incredibly beautiful and gorgeous and oh-so-Adonis) very stony. He’s often compared to marble, granite and limestone. Alright, not limestone. That’s me.

Bella is your ho-hum average bitch with nothing better to do than fall in front of cars, rapists, other vampires, werewolf/transformers and other unbelievable scenarios. She always has Mr. Sparkles to get her ass outta trouble.

Breaking Dawn was the shit (literally). She fawns over Edward and when they do it, they get it DONE. Edward beats the bloody mess out of her without her noticing because I guess getting ****** by a marble **** is mesmerizing enough to not notice you’re being bruised like a beat-down banana. Ed is too afraid to hump her again, but Bella seduces him (???~!!!!) with the sorriest lines and he does her again. This time he can focus his horny powers and busts the headboard open. And, oh yeah, bites pillows. Because to 12-30+ year old women, men who bite pillows are fierce lovemakers. Honestly, I’d be wondering what the fuck his problem was.

I stopped there but from what I heard, Bella goes all Alien and has a kid go BLAM from her cooch in a hard placenta. She spits up “fountains” (meyer’s own words) of blood. Nice. But the bitch don’t die.

In the end a huge, built up battle never happens, Jacob Black is destined to fall in love with their kid (further enforcing Meyer’s pedo dreams) and Bella and Edward have b***s** till the nerves in her a** go raw.

Meyer is a vain, self-inserting, mormopedophile. It’s a good idea that went wrong after the first sentence. I picked up that book when I heard the concept (BEFORE it got popular) and put it down the same day. Someone had to force me to read the damn thing later. I knew nothing of literature at the time – all I knew was that it sucked heavy ass. When we’ve got the same people who recommend The Catcher in the Rye or Harry Potter or a Clockwork Orange recommending this bullshit, I seriously fear for our future. And I may sound overdramatic with that, but I’m dead serious. Me and my few not-Twitarded friends fight HARD because that book is seriously embarrassing. I thought Sarah Dessen was bad, but Meyer is fucked in the head.
Twilight sucks more ass than a vacuum glued to JLo.

Even Robert Faggotinson knows it’s stupid, he’s said it himself.

Stephenie Meyer is a pedophile and I hope she reads this so she’ll know that we know her secret. Making kids fall in love with people that old, WHAT’S HER M*****F*****’ PROBLEM?

Edward loves the whisper song because when he banged Bella, he really beat the p**** up