Why MetalHeads Hate Twilight

Posted: November 24, 2010 in Metal, Movie, Music
Tags: , , ,

The entire series is just Meyer (no – wait, my mistake – Bella) swooning over how lucky she is to have such a great he man (aka strong faggot), Edward. Edward is from a clan of pussy vampires who never drink human blood. They also have no other vampiristic qualities, so they might as well be Chupacabras. THEN there’s the Blacks, an Indian Tribe (so Meyer’s got her mix of negro-allusions and redskins) which prominently features Jacob, a boy who, aside from loving Bella for no good reason, is…um… a vampire/shapeshifter?

So Edward is (aside from incredibly beautiful and gorgeous and oh-so-Adonis) very stony. He’s often compared to marble, granite and limestone. Alright, not limestone. That’s me.

Bella is your ho-hum average bitch with nothing better to do than fall in front of cars, rapists, other vampires, werewolf/transformers and other unbelievable scenarios. She always has Mr. Sparkles to get her ass outta trouble.

Breaking Dawn was the shit (literally). She fawns over Edward and when they do it, they get it DONE. Edward beats the bloody mess out of her without her noticing because I guess getting ****** by a marble **** is mesmerizing enough to not notice you’re being bruised like a beat-down banana. Ed is too afraid to hump her again, but Bella seduces him (???~!!!!) with the sorriest lines and he does her again. This time he can focus his horny powers and busts the headboard open. And, oh yeah, bites pillows. Because to 12-30+ year old women, men who bite pillows are fierce lovemakers. Honestly, I’d be wondering what the fuck his problem was.

I stopped there but from what I heard, Bella goes all Alien and has a kid go BLAM from her cooch in a hard placenta. She spits up “fountains” (meyer’s own words) of blood. Nice. But the bitch don’t die.

In the end a huge, built up battle never happens, Jacob Black is destined to fall in love with their kid (further enforcing Meyer’s pedo dreams) and Bella and Edward have b***s** till the nerves in her a** go raw.

Meyer is a vain, self-inserting, mormopedophile. It’s a good idea that went wrong after the first sentence. I picked up that book when I heard the concept (BEFORE it got popular) and put it down the same day. Someone had to force me to read the damn thing later. I knew nothing of literature at the time – all I knew was that it sucked heavy ass. When we’ve got the same people who recommend The Catcher in the Rye or Harry Potter or a Clockwork Orange recommending this bullshit, I seriously fear for our future. And I may sound overdramatic with that, but I’m dead serious. Me and my few not-Twitarded friends fight HARD because that book is seriously embarrassing. I thought Sarah Dessen was bad, but Meyer is fucked in the head.
Twilight sucks more ass than a vacuum glued to JLo.

Even Robert Faggotinson knows it’s stupid, he’s said it himself.

Stephenie Meyer is a pedophile and I hope she reads this so she’ll know that we know her secret. Making kids fall in love with people that old, WHAT’S HER M*****F*****’ PROBLEM?

Edward loves the whisper song because when he banged Bella, he really beat the p**** up

Ok…….as a metalhead the things i love doing ( after listen to metal music ) is to irritate bollywood listeners ( then comes Justin Bieber listeners ).
Well, I have always tried to make people listen to metal instead of bollywood but some people are just too much into it………. 😦

If you know any bollywood listener you will come to know that

1) That person will use words like ” Fatte!!! (फत्ते ) ” ” Awesome!! ( they will pronouce it as , aawweesum! or अव्सोम ) ”

2) That person will usually think no end of himself/herself.

3) He/She will not admit that Bollywood sucks and will try and tease you for listening to metal.

But still, all people ( other than people above 30 years* ) have to change their genre of music…..in one place you find a person showing the devils horns ( \m/ ) and saying one of the following

1) Wassup!!!!

2) क्या  फत्ते  गाना  सुना  आज !!!

3) I heard a new Akon song tday!! ( \m/ )!!!!!!!

4) I got a new Justin Bieber album tday! He is so cute!!!yay/yaho! ( \m/ )

now really, WTF is going on here!!! First of all the devils horns is something made only for Metalheads!!! Not any Bollywood/Poop/rap fan!!

But back to the topic,

I had a conservation with a friend of mine ( named as ” RF ” ) So he/she comes up to me…

RF: Ae! Prabhav! Have you heard the song called ” Pehli nazar” ??
Me: ya, it sucks…….do you know that it is copid?
RF: ( like he/she did not hear my reply ) It’s so touching na…vert fatte…I love that song….its on my ipod….
Me: Whats so great on that song! Do you even know  that it is copied?
RF: I love that song….its not like the gay songs you listen to…
Me: So you call songs like Tornado of souls and A tout Le Monde gay? you suck….
RF: Ok wait…That song is very good and with <> in the song, it was so sweet! I felt like crying 😉
Me: What should i do if an actor looks cute? you said that the song fatte…..so what does the look of the actor have to do with the song?
RF: Please! The song sounds very original! and very sweet also…..can you think of a song like that? The lyrics are so original..
Me: Stop!!! The lyrics are written by a lyricist and given to a music composer…who puts the words to music…..So you are in love with the lyricist not the  composer…..
RF: Why can’t you admit that some songs are better than your – Heavy metal 😛
Me: Cuz the only thing that can go with metal is classical that too metal and ya come to my place for 5 mins i will show u a video of the song that was the original ” Pehli nazar me ”

So I took RF to my house showed this video
I waited till the song got over and this was RF’s reaction
RF: Hey!!! They Copied Pehli Nazar Me!!!! These japaneese people have nop other job or what!!!
Then suddenly RF left my house….forgetting the main reason of comming…

Now you tell me, I listen to composers like A R Raman because he still had originality, and his songs were some what tolerable to hear……but i also listen to Metallica , Iron Maiden , Megadeth along with western classical like Yanni etc, and even i know that bollywood is a combination of many wannabe’s and copy cats etc. These people here ( like RF ) have no interest in other genres for some reason….and only want their Fatte Bollywood songs….
When I tell people ” I don’t listen to bollywood” They say ” You listen to Hollywood?” then i reply ” No, I listen to a genre of music called Heavy Metal” They just look at me with a blank face.

Metal is not hollywood!!!! :@

Now After the Music comes the annoying 10 minutes dance during the moive. And incase you donno, you can actually complain about the laws of physics with your teacher with example of bollywood and get 100 out off 100 in the marksX-)

Here is another song which people found Fatte, and  that too they told me ” You listen to metal na? Here is a song/video that you would love!” and play the song ” Dil Kare” From  ” All the Best “.
I can admit that the song ( compared to the other songs that released that time ) is quite good but come on!!! The video is plain hilerious!!!
Here is the video link :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lr1wVRQT6iA
I would recomend that you read what i have written and watch the video at the same time 🙂

1) how can a guitar be thrown in a vertical direction not
tilt while landing on the players hand that same
way!!!!
2) Where is the guitar cord ( the wire which connects
the guitar to the amplifier)
OMG!!!!! What a “fatte” guitarist!!!! ?
3) Okok, I can understand SANJAY DUTT is the
drummer and all, but who is playing the drums after
(1:25 mins)??? Is there is ghost!!!!!
OMG!!! How ““fatte””!!!!!!
4) After (1:39) a “fatte” solo stats where the guitarist
is playing the guitar the wrong way because in a
guitar the highest chords/nots are heard near that
hole and the lowest at the top end of  the guitar!!!!
What happened to the GK!!!!!!!
5) How come SANJAY DUTT, Fardeen Khan and Rohit
shetty have the same voice!!!!!! OMG!!!!! How
“fatte”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6) Similar to point (3), where is the drummer in 3:00
mins!!!!!!!
7) If u see it from 3:12 you can argue with your science
teacher for giving you less marks in the various laws
of physics( I am talking about the relevant laws 😛 )

I think u might have understood what I am trying to
say  ? 🙂

Now If you are a director or planning to become one, here are some rules you will have to follow ( reference)

1. The story must be about romance. No questions. To
give the villagers who watch these movies a twist, try
adding as many love triangles as possible, and even love
rectangles, if more than two actors are in the film. Love
dodecahedrons may be a possibility.
2) Shah Ruk Khan or anyone from the Khan Family should appear in the movie bare chested, or the movie will become a flop and there will be protesters on the street.
3) Each Actor has to appear in the movie with atleast 9 different hair styles.
4)Every movie must have 10 songs. each needs to be a
minimum of 10 minutes In the corresponding videos,
Sharook Khan must raise his hands in the air as if to hug
noone in particular but everyone in general, followed by
curling his eyebrows in unusual positions (triangular
positions are highly favorable, to remind the audience of
the numerous love triangles) followed by running his
finger inexplicably through his hair.
5)The movie should be either similar or a copy of a book/hollywood movie bcuz original stuff here suck.
6) Characters must for reasons unknown have their
clothes changed and location changed during songs. This
is to signify that a change has occurred in the day. Ie.
day to night.There is always supposed to be a time and
place for each ““fatte”” songs words
7) SInce you have paid for the freakin songs you have no idea other than to bore the audience with such songs which again has no relation with rules of physics
(see this video, too funny 🙂 and explains the above points clearly..)
8) You dont need to take up science as a subject ( espicially physics) bcuz the viewers wont know the difference.. and will try the ” Stunts ” in public, try and sue you, then come to know that India does not allow suing ( some conditions are to be fulfilled ) when they loose all their money by to buying a lawyer, this in turn will make your face (the director/producer) come on each newspaper along with the movie name, so free publicity 🙂

So Here you go, here is bollywood the way everyone knows it,
Oh ya, BTW if u are going to complain to physics about
the laws of physics and all , dare not include my
name!!!!!!! but mention my blog  🙂

I have put a * above 30 years old bcuz it is told that people who have been listening to which ever music when they were  below 30 will not change their genre after 30 years and will find interest in jazz music ( which is also a good genre btw )

Sorry if there are any typos 🙂
LEmme know if there are any changes to be made in this post and please leave a comment on how u found this post 🙂

Courtesy – @megabored

1. …you answer “Err…Rock” when someone asks you what music you listen to, coz they wouldn’t know what metal is anyways.

2. …you open your cupboard and there isn’t a single non-band tshirt.

3. …all the decisions that you take in your life are the choices that are most “Metal”.

4. …while walking down the road you randomley start to do high pitch screaming or death growling.

5. …you can spend an entire month listening to every metal song you have, back to back without repeats.

6. …you hate some subgenre of metal.

7. …you are aware metal has subgenres.

8. …you can play air guitar and get all the notes right.

9. ….you randomly do double bass patterns with your fingers on every available surface.

10. ….you can hum “New Millennium Cyanide Christ” in time.

11. ….you have battle scars from concerts.

12. ….you buy a nine track CD that lasts 2 and a half hours.

13. ….you decide to get married and go to Wacken for your honeymoon.

14….you insist on calling puppet masters, masters of puppets.

15. ….when you increase the volume on your mp3 player when someone turns on the radio.

16. ….when people ask you your favorite band you go like, “You wouldn’t know if I told you”.

17. ….when mainstream music makes you angry and you need metal to relax.

18. ….when you can’t stop a song in the middle because it would be profane to interrupt such opus.

19. ….when you slowly start learning Scandinavian or German just by listening to music.

20. ….you know the name of the band members and the studio where they record their albums and the producer. Ask any non-metal fan this shit and see if they know it.

21. ….when you can’t pronounce 90% of the bands you listen to.

22. ….when you go to a music store and you think it’s an absolute travesty that Nickelback is right next to Nile.

23. ….you have no idea what any of the lyrics to some of your favorite bands are actually saying.

24. ….even though you don’t know the language, you try to sing along anyway, making “words” that are at least close to the sounds you’re hearing, but probably make you sound like a complete idiot if you’re were around a native speaker.

25. ….when you are listning songs on ur mp3 player, you look pissed off and start using your hands rapidly while listening to the song.

26. ….when you go to sleep every night listening to stuff that could wake up the dead from there graves.

27. ….when your friends are talking to you but you just pretend to listen and nod your head while listening to the CD that’s playing instead of them.

28. ….you hear rap, you have to leave the vicinity, from fear of dying from high blood pressure.

29. ….you see a bright sunny day and get depressed, and then see a cloudy gloomy day and are as happy as can be.

30. ….you turn down a dinner and movie with a hot girl because you’re waiting for a torrent to finish downloading.

31. ….you can’t help but judge people based on their music tastes. Come on, I’m not the only one that hears people talking about Nirvana or Korn or Linkin Park and thinks “Ha, what a bunch of faggots.”

32. ….you consider the accordion, flute, bagpipes, violin, and cellos to be the most brutal instruments.

33. ….the only gods you believe in are the Norse gods.

34. ….someone looks at your completely full 160 GB iPod and the only band they’ve ever heard of on it is Metallica.

35. ….when you postpone your marriage day to go to a metal gig.

36. ….when viking drinking horns substitute bottles and mugs.

37. ….when you want to learn German just because of Blind Guardian.

38. ….when your girlfriend threatens to leave you because she does not like the fact that you want a beard just like Johan Hegg or Marco Hietala.

39. ….you go to a music store and they dont have one damn band you are looking for!

40. ….you go on a date and the only thing close to make-out music you have in your car is Finntroll or Alestorm.

41. ….when people always ask you “Whats that on your T-shirt?” and you always reply “A band.”

42. ….when everytime you hear the word “Jackson” you start daydreaming about guitars insted of Miachel Jackson.

43. ….you have an imaginary friend named Eddie.

44. ….you complain about the fact that you don’t have enough money to afford chainmail and a sword.

45. ….when the first German city you think of is Wacken.

46. ….your mothers head explodes when she turns on your car stereo.

47. ….you know exactly which countries come under Scandinavia.

48. …when you romantically compare your girlfriend to your favorite metal album.

49. …everytime you hear a song that isn’t metal, all you can think about is how much better a metal version of it would be.

50. ….when nobody wants to get you birthday presents because all the CDs you want have to be imported from the farthest reaches of the globe.

Courtesy : Kunal Batra